August 6, 2008

How I Found Out

I was a few days late but did not think much of it, thinking maybe my calculations were off. While at the grocery store I dropped a home pregnancy test in the cart. I took the test when I got home. Almost immediately 2 pink lines started to form. OMG! I decided to wait till Chris got home from the office before telling him. He came home and I explained what happened and he said “You are not pregnant.” I showed him the pregnancy test, “Maybe?”

The next day I am not sure what possessed me but I started calling family members, then I got scared and decided I better go to the doctor and make sure the results were correct. My normal GYN does not do babies so they referred me to the Women’s Health center. I gave them a call and the receptionist said they do pregnancy testing from 8-11 & 1-4 every day. If your test comes up negative they will charge you $25 out of pocket and if it is positive they will bill your insurance. I thought that was kind of rough for anyone that was really trying to get pregnant how they would feel having to shell out the $25 after the bad news. Then I thought of the woman who seriously wanted the test to be negative and how happy she would be to pay the $25 and even offer to pay the next 3 women’s fee.

I headed out to the women’s center that afternoon making sure I had $25 on me. Filled out the form, they called me back I took the test, and then I was sent to wait in the lobby for my results. I had brought a book and I sat there reading the same line over and over again. In the background there was some crappy daytime court show on the TV. Each second I sat there my heart beat louder and louder, I could hardly breathe. They called me to the back my face and neck I am sure was all red so they asked me to sit down. She said “The test was positive you are pregnant”. I exhaled not realizing I was holding my breath. They gave me a due date of April 4th and scheduled my next appointment for when I am 10 weeks along.

I am 36 and Chris is 39. Over the years we have gone back and forth on whether or not to have a child. When I was 30 we actually tried to have a child for a whole year with no results. Then after a long discussion we decided together not to have children. We are selfish people and live for ourselves, and I have always felt that the world was overpopulated and someone has already had my babies twice over. Through out the years in my mind I always go back and forth on the idea, trying to figure out what I really want and if I would regret not having a child. Would I miss out on the greatest love of my life, maybe that is what I was afraid of the pain that comes with such a great love.

When I turned 34 I decided to go off birth control and let nature take its course. If I was meant to have a baby then it would happen. So 2 years later and no baby one starts to think the room their eggs are in is filled with cob webs and no longer sporting pastel pink & blue ribbons, or your husband is not as viable as he thinks. Turns out both parties are in good working order and now we are pregnant.

I am doing well. I am trying not to get too excited about it till I get through my first trimester. I did have a small break down in the shower the other day. First I was thinking I am not alone in here. Then I started thinking about having a baby and how it was a part of me, flesh of my flesh kind of thoughts. Then I started crying uncontrollably. I just let it flow. I was in the shower anyway. My face was a little puffy for awhile but I felt a little relief after releasing some emotion.

So now I am stocking up on pregnancy books and magazines and trying to figure out what is going to happen and prepare for the many days ahead.


Blogger Laura said...

That's great.. congratulations!

August 10, 2008 at 3:16 PM  

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